You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
