I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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