you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
