Soap is not a condiment
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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