There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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