and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
