Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
