You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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