If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
