Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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