Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
