Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
