The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
