we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
you made out with another girl for some wings
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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