I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
