And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
