the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
