I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
