dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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