WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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