My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
