Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
