She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
