I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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