i just sent this text using only my big toe
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
