At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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