I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
