im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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