I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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