Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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