ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
