your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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