apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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