So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize