She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
