dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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