I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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