I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
