i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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