Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
