My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
