i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
