umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
