I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
