To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
