my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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