I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
