In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
