They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
