Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
