my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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