im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
