Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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