I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
