1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize