I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
