Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
