i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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