Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
