I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
