you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
