I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
