I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
