she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize