I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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